A bit of a strange day today. I’m feeling somewhat sleep deprived I think. I guess that serves me right for staying up to a ridiculous hour, (1:00am) to listen to a radio show and then having to get up at the crack of dawn to play chauffeur to my partner because I happened to need the car today. It also didn’t help that my cat decided to try and instigate a fight with one of our neighbours cats through a closed window. Honestly, the amount of yowling that went on at 2:00am and crashing about was ridiculous.
So yeah, a bit of a strange one today. Kind of a nothing day if you will. My day so far seems to have revolved around getting slightly annoyed to myself about a pointless discussion on Good Morning Britain about the newly crowned Duchess of Sussex and whether she should be wearing tights or not, a traipse around town to try and find a book by Matt Haig that had been recommended to me by several people – Incidentally I found it lurking on a shelf in Waterstones AND had a brief but satisfying conversation with the friendly member of staff who had served me. I’d already tried to find the book in W H Smiths just so I could use one of the self service tills and avoid having to make small talk with anyone. My anxiety has been through the roof since I woke up today so despite their generally obnoxious nature self-service tills are pretty much my saviour!
I plan to make a start on the aforementioned book – “Reasons to stay alive ” tomorrow morning. Hopefully the weather will be half decent so I can do what everyone that’s stuck in an office all day dreams of doing and lounge outside in the glorious sunshine. I also booked tickets to go and see Matt Haig in Bath this coming July as part of a promotional tour he’s doing for his latest book. So that’s something to look forward to!
Unfortunately today my self-harm urges have been unbearable. It doesn’t help that I’ve felt stressed, anxious and exhausted all at the same time. It’s kind of a deadly combination. I’m afraid to say I gave in to the urge to self harm and had a good old go at my forearm again earlier this afternoon, so now it’s covered in hideous red scratches and cuts again. I’ve also had several suicidal thoughts throughout the day as well which I thought or rather I hoped I’d seen the back of since being prescribed Quetiapine. Apparently not. I’ve never phoned the Samaritans before as I’ve always felt like I would be wasting their time. But perhaps I ought to? Maybe next time I get an urge to attack myself with sharp objects I’ll give it a try.
If anyone reading this knows of any good coping mechanisms for dealing with these all to frequent urges please let me know in the comments below or on Twitter.