I’ve not had the greatest few hours if truth be told. I guess I feel a bit like I’ve hit a mental brick wall and the only tools that I’ve been given in order to try and break through that wall are a feather and one of those wooden chip forks you get from the chip shop.
So far I’ve taken out my frustration via the tried and tested formula of attacking my left forearm. It’s my go-to method of self harming and the one that I come back to time and time again whenever things get too much. I don’t know why I keep doing it. It’s a way of releasing some if that built up frustration I suppose and a small cry for help, and after a while I just don’t notice the pain. Even when I’m repeatedly going over the same patch of damaged skin over and over again.
The self harm is just the tip of the iceberg though. I’ve had no end of suicidal thoughts entering my already over crowded mind over the past 24 or so hours. From the usual “Perhaps it would be better if I did just do everyone including myself a favour and end things” to more technically advanced thinking such as how I could actually do it. I won’t go into great detail on here but lets just say I’ve gone through each and every option from an overdose, (Quiet and simple) to something a lot more spectacular, (Going out with a bang).
I should reassure those of you reading this right now that these are just thoughts, not actions. It’s not the first time I’ve thought about suicide over the years and I’m sure it won’t be the last. It’s just one of those symptoms of a broken mind that a lot of people suffering with a mental illness and those around us have to contend with.
That’s not to say it isn’t frightening. Both for myself and those that care.
My partner, who really is my rock and the main reason those thoughts haven’t turned to actions, is becoming increasingly worried about me. It doesn’t help that I keep making all these flippant remarks about killing myself whenever my sick mind feels the need to pipe up. I asked her to call my GP this morning to try and arrange an emergency appointment as I feel my mental health has taken a nosedive over the past day or so.
“What if your usual doctor can’t see you today?” she asked.
“Tell them I’m going to kill myself if they don’t.” came the response.
Why did I say that? As soon as the words left my mouth I immediately felt terrible, I mean what a horrible and selfish thing to put upon somebody. Not only does my poor partner have that thought weighing on her mind for the rest of the day while she’s at work, but if she did decide to say that to the doctors receptionist and said receptionist doesn’t have any appointments to offer then they’re going to have the very real possibility that one of their patients could end up doing something very stupid on their conscious as well.
It turns out there weren’t any appointments available as it goes. Not with my usual GP anyway. I could’ve seen yet another new face but I thought it would be better to stay consistent with my mental health care. So I opted for the possibility of a telephone call with my GP instead. I’m wondering if this latest crisis is the result of my ongoing medication change-over or maybe my illness has just taken a turn for the worse for some strange, unexplained reason. Either way, I need the help of the professionals and not to inflict my problems on those that have their own problems and shouldn’t have to get involved in mine.
It’s strange how these daily blogs end up turning out. I’ve taken myself down to my local library today for a change of scene and to get myself out of the house and mixing with other people. Despite what I’ve written in over the past few paragraphs I do actually want to feel better and I think that getting myself out and about is a good first step on the long road to recovery. Suicide and self harm wasn’t my intended topic today, instead I thought I might have made a few observations about my surroundings, (Modern, flat screens everywhere) the people near me, (A mixed bag) and how being in a place like this was making me feel, (Tired, calm, thirsty) but I think that can wait until another day.
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