Ever since I started this blog my goal has always been the same. To reach out and reassure people that are suffering with a mental illness that they’re not alone. That there are others out there who are in a similar boat to their own. I’ve always tried to keep things honest and real about my own condition as opposed to dressing it up or sugar coating it to make it easier to swallow. So I’ve never held back on mentioning self harm or suicidal thoughts and intentions because those are things that those who are suffering have to deal with on a daily basis.
But at the same time I feel that it’s equally important to share stories of hope and recovery surrounding mental health issues.
The fact is for the first time in over a year I’m actually feeling quite good. There, I said it. It’s surprising really because traditionally I find the festive season somewhat difficult to handle. Yet with only 2 weeks to go until Christmas day I find myself feeling calm, relaxed and stable. I haven’t had a suicidal thought in weeks and the urge to self harm has completely disappeared.
It’s difficult to pin down exactly what’s caused my mood and mindset to stabilise. I think it’s probably a combination of good financial fortune, (Being awarded PIP at last, debt being written off by creditors) re-evaluation of life goals, (A return to education as an undergraduate is on the cards in order to achieve some of those) and making sure I practise good self care, (Setting myself daily goals and rewarding myself when I complete them.)
My partner commented the other day that 2018 had probably been my darkest year and I’m inclined to agree. Sometimes it’s felt like I’ve spent most of my time being bombarded with shit from every conceivable angle with no hope of ever escaping. But slowly, patiently I’ve somehow managed to fight my way through out and come out the other side.
2018 might have been the year of difficulty and despair but 2019 will be the year of recovery and reinvention.
Whats important now is to focus firmly on the future and not let past events keep dragging me down.