I’ve been feeling low over the past couple of days. No, let me re-phrase that. I’ve been feeling rock-bottom over the past couple of days. So much so that I am in a constant battle with my own mind. The part of my mind that just doesn’t give a fuck about me or anyone else and wants me to take up self-harming again as a way to pass the time. It’s constantly there – like that annoying person you always end up being sat near to on a train or at a show who has an opinion on absoultely everything and wants the whole world to hear it.
That voice just won’t let up. I tell it to piss off and leave me alone but it takes no notice and ramps up it’s efforts to mither me into doing it’s ugly bidding.
“There’s no point to your existence.”
“You’ve achieved nothing.”
“You’re a failure.”
“Go on, cut yourself. You’ll feel better if you do.”
“You might as well just end it all now.”
Imagine having those thoughts flying around in your head all day. Couple that with the constant tiredness that I suffer from as a result of my obstructive sleep apnoea, B12 deficiancy and various side effects from all of my different medications and you can imagine how irritable and frustrated I become. I end up lashing out at those few people that actually matter to me because I am struggling to focus and concentrate and regulate my mood. I don’t mean to lash out and I feel even more like a piece of shit afterwards. But it’s out of my control. I’m not an angry person. I’m not violent or aggressive in my nature. But sometimes my mind just becomes over-whelmed and explodes as a way of releasing some of the back-logged stresses and emotions.
I’m not really sure of the point I’m trying to make here. I guess I’m just trying to make some sort of sense of how things are for me at the moment.