Change

I wonder why we often choose to look back at what we consider to be happier times instead of trying to look to the future?

In my case, I always find myself looking back to the turn of the century. 1999 to 2000ish. Back then I was half the age that I was now, didn’t have to worry too much about how to manage bills or running a household. I went to college during the day and went out drinking at night. I had a busy social life and a full schedule. Things were good. No, things were better than good. At that point in my life things were damn near as perfect as I thought they were ever going to get.

But as is always the case things moved on. People that were in my life then moved on. I moved on. Life changed and I moved into a whole new era.

But yet, 20 years later, it’s still the go-to place in my mind when I think about my past. When I’m trying to plan out how I’m going to move forward in my life, fighting through the constantly reoccurring mind fog, I always end up comparing any future possibilities to those favoured days of my past. It’s as if somewhere deep down inside, there’s another me that’s desperate to come out and do it all over again. To be 19 again. To be worry and care free again. To be surrounded by people and constantly in demand.

That might have been what 19 year old me wanted. But to 39 year old me that’s my idea of Hell.

Right now, if somebody were to invite me out for the evening with a group of people, I’d say no without a second thought. If somebody suggested I go out with the sole aim of getting pissed, I’d run a mile.

If somebody proposed a quiet evening in front of the telly, accompanied by a bottomless supply of tea and biscuits, I’d be there like a shot.

I’ve changed so much you see. I know we all change over time but for me it feels like I’m a completely different person now to how I was 20 years ago. I’m no longer the life and soul of the party. Good ol’ Chris who’s always up for a session and a Chinese afterwards. I’m not that same person that used to be able to chat shit for England and make everybody laugh.

I’ve changed. I’ve moved on.

So why do I find it so difficult to let my past go?



3 thoughts on “Change

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